|
I went to Stanford's Vienna campus in my sophomore year for the
wrong reason—a girl. A working-class kid from Los Angeles,
I had felt lonely and out of place during my freshman year. It wasn't
the privileged students inhabiting Stanford who intimidated me.
Odd and alien as they seemed, I liked them, and they mostly liked
me. It wasn't the academic demands. Coursework never gave me problems.
What disturbed me was the calm beauty of the place—what was
then a still uncluttered Romanesque-Revival campus with the open
woodlands set against the sloping foothills of the Santa Clara Valley.
I had never lived anywhere that wasn't grim and ugly. This demi-Eden
left me feeling breathlessly lost and unworthy. Amid such unaccustomed
beauty, what else could I have done but embark on hopeless romance?
Hopeless
romance expresses itself best in needless melodrama. On the last
day of my freshman year, I discovered that my inamorata had signed
up for the Vienna campus. The program still had empty places. I
had planned to go to Austria as a junior. Why not now? My parents
barely inquired about my sudden change of plans. No one in my family
had ever attended college. Still overjoyed that I had made it into
Stanford, my folks were inclined to ask few questions about a world
they found slightly enigmatic.
By
the time I arrived in Vienna three months later, in the fall of
1970, my romance was indisputably over. (Her doing—sigh—not
mine.) Sad, lonely, rejected, and 19 years old, I did what I had
to. I fell in love again, head over heels and quite permanently—with
the city of Vienna. This is the one great passion of my misspent
youth I have never regretted.
No
one visiting today's prosperous and cosmopolitan Vienna will easily
imagine the shadowy gray city I found. In 1970, Vienna was still
recovering from World War II. Injured war veterans worked in newsstands
and tobacco shops. Amputees begged in the train stations. No longer
impoverished, the city was not yet prosperous. Thrift, caution and
conservatism were everywhere apparent.
Having
just arrived from '60s California, the land of endless sunshine,
success and social experiment, I wandered the dark streets and alleyways
of this fallen imperial capital in a state of utter astonishment.
It seemed as if I had stumbled into the film noir setting of The
Third Man. An Angeleno abroad for the first time, I had never before
experienced the weight of history. A neutral country caught between
Eastern and Western Europe, shorn of its empire, defeated in war,
uncertain of its future, Austria clung to its glorious past with
affection, pride and desperation.
Vienna
was still an insular and self-contained metropolis. The city had
its own way of doing everything, and those forms were meticulously
observed. Viennese haircuts looked different from those in Rome,
Paris or Los Angeles. Not only were clothes cut differently, but
even the fabric was distinct from what one saw elsewhere. The food
was varied and delicious, but it was almost exclusively drawn from
the countries that had once made up the Austro-Hungarian Empire.
In every detail of daily life, an American experienced an overwhelming
sense of foreignness—something no longer possible in today's
generically internationalized European capitals. That foreignness
not only instructed me in what it meant to be Viennese; it also
taught me what it meant to be American.
Vienna
introduced me to three great pleasures and also effected one life-transforming
change. First, I learned to drink in the city's picturesque taverns
and wine cellars. I know that one is not supposed to mention such
things in alumni publications, but as someone who has never abused
alcohol, I am grateful to have been tutored in the conviviality
and pleasure of Austria's civilized attitudes toward wine and beer.
Second,
Vienna initiated me into a more dangerously addictive vice than
alcohol—opera. I had always loved classical music. At that
point I still harbored dreams of being a composer. But opera had
seemed a stiff and pretentious art form. Stanford's campus was only
a few blocks from the Staatsoper, one of the world's great opera
houses. Standing-room tickets were available for only 60 cents.
I started going once a week, then twice. Eventually I attended three
or four operas a week—enjoying the luxury of seeing the same
work repeatedly, often with different casts. Opera is now one of
my passions—a bankrupting habit I unwittingly developed on
a student's budget.
Third,
Vienna gave me a different view of literature from the dominant
Anglo-French perspective of America. Studying the Austro-Hungarian
tradition, I found less earnest, more cosmopolitan and more playful
authors than in German or even American letters. I discovered powerful
and distinctive writers who were little known in America, like Karl
Kraus, Stefan Zweig, Arthur Schnitzler and Robert Musil. I also
read more deeply in several authors I had known earlier—Rainer
Maria Rilke, Franz Kafka and Hugo von Hofmannsthal, who have, each
in different ways, exercised lasting influence on me as models of
literary artistry.
Finally
and most decisively, Vienna made me a poet. I arrived thinking of
myself as a musician, but immersing myself in German—even
eventually dreaming in that new language—I began to hear my
native language differently. English now seemed a magical tongue
evoking powerful memories and imaginative associations. I began
reading poetry every night, and bought costly, imported paperbacks
of modern verse at the city's tiny English-language bookstore. Soon
I filled small notebooks with my own awful verses. Occasionally,
I wrote a good line, mostly by accident. I knew that I needed years
of dedicated study and practice to write well, and the prospect
of that enormous effort excited me. As my return to America approached,
I had discovered my life's work. I would be a poet, though I hardly
understood then what such a decision might cost me.
Vienna
taught me another lesson—the futility of planning your future
too carefully. Something you strive for—like true love—may
suddenly fail, and then something you never predicted—like
being a poet—emerges in its place. Even bad luck has its advantages.
It makes room for serendipity.
Dana
Gioia was a student at Stanford in Austria from September 1970 to
March 1971. The Overseas Studies Program's Austria campus closed
in 1987. He originally wrote this piece for the program's publication
Abroad.
|